Tired of Being a Broken Christian
Growing up in church, I remember a time when I very often thought about the massive amount of joy I had. I felt bad for others who didn’t have it.
Joy, as defined by my theological upbringing is different than happiness. Happiness is based on what happens. Happiness is like rain. Joy comes from the inside like a never ending spring. The Bible talks about joy unspeakable and full of glory. I remember that, but I don’t have it anymore.
From time to time, I use my Twitter account like normal people use a therapist. I did that last night to let go of a personal hero, Leo Laporte. I’ll apologize to Leo some day for that, but I also know it helped. Catharsis is important and Twitter is an effective, albeit novel, way to achieve that.
I’m a broken Christian. I love Jesus as much as I ever have, but I don’t identify with the Christians I see on TV who seem to base their faith on dissapproval of gay people and abortion. When those two issues became so important at church, I left and I haven’t gone back. That’s when my heart broke and I can’t figure out how to unbreak it.
I have a wonderful life. I love the nicest girl in the world and she loves me back. I have all that I need except for that broken part of my heart. I sometimes doubt it is possible to ever get that back, but I try from time to time.
There are a few different ways people live on the Internet, and I think they’re generational to some extent. Older people are guarded in the way they share their lives. Younger people seem to share everything. I guess I’m at the upper range of the younger people age group because I share a lot. I talk about my pain. I show my flaws. I express my frustrations. One of the reasons I do that is because the Bible does. The Bible is filled with stories of flawed people who loved God. The Bible doesn’t sugarcoat their flaws and that’s the way I’ve always believed Christians should live. I don’t want anyone to make a hero out of me, but I would like to be unbroken if it’s possible.
27 Responses to “Tired of Being a Broken Christian”
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I love you brother. Sad that you are broken. Yet positive you will indeed be unbroken again. And your joy will be full because it is the joy of the Lord that is your strength. I don’t believe satan can steal your salvation but I believe he desires to steal your joy. The joy of the Lord is your strength and your testimony. So it is this joy I’m praying you’ll be walking fully in again. Remember your first love has not changed. Never has.. Never will. Thank you again for sharing your heart.. you scream because you care. And you love Him because He first loved us.
Wow.
You aren’t broken.
Find a new church. We humans need the corporate strength that comes from being with others like us.
Nothing you can do can heal your broken heart over this. It is beyond your power. But it in Christ’s hands. Pray. A Lot. And Listen. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take my own advice.
Hi Neal,
Wow, all I can say is I applaud your openness. As here in the UK things are a little more liberal I can’t say that I relate totally, but I have felt deep rejection and a sense of not belonging myself which is hard seeing as I grew up in the church and have given many years to it.
However, I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m no longer feeling the hurt I used to and can comfortably sit through a service (when I do go). I’m looking forward to the day when I find my place again…
The church can be a very petty place and all too often miss the point, the mission and indeed it’s reason for being. Remembering that and being aware that you are not forgotten just as you have not forgot can sustain you though these times of hardship and frustration. It’s not you that’s broken… I wouldn’t say the church is, but there’s a break there somewhere – but that’s unfortunately what you tend to find in organisational structures. Focus drifts and before you know it issues which really shouldn’t be – are…
How to unbreak it? I really don’t think you should try. God will address the issues in your life when you are ready and you’ll see things from a somewhat different perspective. As for fixing the church – all in Gods on time…
EB
Justin
Praise God. We are called together to support each other during the dry season. Spend some time with christian friends and pray with them about what is on your heart. Semper Fidelis.
The church has gone in many different directions in recent history some of which I don’t necessary agree with but it’s not my place to approve or disapprove. Homosexuality and abortion are sins just as murder, using the Lords name in vain etc…. I agree sometimes we place to much importance on one sin or another and on the sinner when we should be loving the sinner and praying for them. The body of Christ is made up of many diverse parts and each has it’s own function, some of which we might not understand how it can be of any use but God’s plan is perfect and as hard as it is we have to have faith. Faith is I think the most difficult thing for me but I try to stay focused on the end result of eternity in Heaven with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and that seems to help some.
Brother I hope that same day our paths may cross and we can visit about our faith and views, until then may the Love of Christ Bless and Keep you.
Neal,
I’ve read much of what you share on Twitter and your blog. I definitely hear the cry of your heart about being a broken Christian. In some sense, I think I am too, mostly from not experiencing grace and instead receiving condemnation. I’m definitely flawed.
My experience with God is not just His love which cares for me in the moment as I am (that I know each and every day) but also His love that wants me to become what He intended me to be, unbroken. It’s not a list of do’s and don’ts I’m talking about but more like my relationship with my children. In fact, I think that’s why He chose to use that in the Bible as a pattern we would understand. When I relate to my children, I pray it’s out of grace and my desire to see them fully become all God has created them to be. I think He relates to us in the same way. As His children, He wants what is best for us and He definitely knows what that is. He created us but He knows the portraits of our soul have become marred. They need to be recreated and become unbroken. And I think that’s what the Christian journey is all about.
I wish we could sit down and talk for a while. I think our relationships with others on the journey who understand and hear the cry of our heart will help bring healing and love for one another. And that’s what a community of Christ followers (aka the Church) should be.
Blessings on you and Cali,
Kevin
Neal,
I pray that in all of this pain you will find the blessing. I have gone through many types of trials (I haven’t gone through yours, so I truly don’t know how you feel) and at the other end there is joy. There is joy because the Bible says it.
There is a community of believers out there that does love you and respect you. I’m happy to say that I belong to that group.
Now go be a blessing to someone else. Let your light shine and “preach always, use words if necessary”.
Your Brother in Christ,
Doug
Hey Neal, I know how you must feel and are going through. I too consider myself a Christian, but have not always adhered to the Church, as I should.
Anyway, I have lived and learned from mistakes. One being, as I have gotten older, I could care less of what people say or think about my religion or me. I try not to let other people’s words affect my daily life. You cannot control what other people say or feel about you. Simply, you can choose to either continue associating yourself, or sever contact with them.
Lastly, as a Christian, we have to forgive as the lord forgave us, and ultimately, that is what makes us better Christians.
God bless!
Neal, you and I already have had these talks and you already know how I feel about you. You’re like a brother to me.
I share the same pain in regards to the church breaking my spirit and my heart when I realized that praying EVERY SINGLE DAY to take away my homosexuality wasn’t going to happen. Clearly God hated me and so would the church….
Until… I finally spoke truth. Truth BROKE out of me, I came out and I’ve never felt more peace in my entire 32 years of life.
And you will find it one day.
We disagree immensely on politics, as I feel your side is a bunch of hypocrites just like the churches we both abhor, and you feel my side is all about giving your money away to the unworthy, but one thing we will always have a bond is how you speak of Jesus and love.
You may not show it all the time, and who does, but at least YOU SHOW IT and that’s more than any evangelical has ever done on a TV show.
McCord
Fortunately, there are main line denominations like the UCC for people like you. Open and affirming. Progressive. You don’t have to read the WatchTower, etc. One of the problems with not having boiling hate about one thing or another is evangelism. If you don’t have some burning issue to spout, how do you tell people something worth hearing? Hate is exciting. Most people come off as wishy-washy, which of course, isn’t the point. Billy Graham managed to do it. Few others. When i heard him, he started by saying that he preaches the Gospel, then goes ahead and does that. But how about for the mature Christian audience? What do you say to them?
I’ve been thinking about this of late because of my astronomy club. It turns out that my favorite part of astronomy is showing someone (often a kid, but not always) the Moon, or Saturn or or the Great Orion Nebula in my scope, and they’re totally in disbelief. It’s awesome. And we call it outreach. But if it were a church, we’d call it evangelism. And for decades my attitude towards evangelism is that i’d rather pull my fingernails out with a pair of pliers. It makes me wonder if i believe it. But i think it’s just that the traditional messages aren’t what people want and need to hear, and therefore not what i want and need to say.
I might mention that i did look into things that aggravate me. Christians, etc., dissing science. The might be anti Evolution (including Intelligent Design), anti The Big Bang, the Moon Landing Hoax hoax, UFOs, the current 2012 nonsense, the anti vaccination crap and so on. There’s tons of mindless drivel out there, and it’s extremely tempting to hop on the Skeptics bandwagon and spout out “you’re wrong, wrong wrong!!!” all day long. It has the advantages that – you’re telling the truth, it’s a way to vent, etc. However, it’s not terribly effective, and this behavior is not terribly Christian. But it is worthwhile saying that science is about demonstrable truth, and Christianity is not ever, ever in conflict with the truth. The most slow moving, conservative Roman Catholic Church has publicly stated that “truth is truth” in a Papal decree. It took nearly 400 years to go from the house arrest of Galileo for saying that the Earth orbits the Sun to an apology, none too hasty, but they’ve made it.
And then there’s politics. I know nothing of politics. Except that hate sells in politics too. And there’s money for politicians pushing hate. And it’s an easier sell than what we’re all seeking, and what’s actually good for people. Hopefully, we’ve just seen the end of 8 years of war on science. It stems from fundamentalist religion. Of that, there can be no doubt. What’s the big deal? Who cares if the Universe is 14 billion years old or 6,000? The deal is that modern medicine is science based. So a war on science is clearly a war on your own health. Antibiotics are great, right? Saved my life, at least once. They don’t work if Evolution isn’t correct. So we can’t afford to be stupid for very long.
I do have to say that too feel the same as Neal. I was raised in Church, and was part of ministries that are still going strong for the Lord today. These ministries have one goal and that is the spreading of the Good News of the Gospel of Christ. Not judging. In short that is our goal, to spread that news just as Paul did to the churches and in his letters. People are going to come to know the Lord if they have only been under the Truth (the Word). Faith comes by hearing. What people do with that truth we can have no effect on just as we can’t create anything with the just speech as God did in the beginning times. It’s a freewill choice.
I don’t where I lost it (joy), but I read in Psalms 51:12 where the writer was asking God to restore the joy of HIS salvation. Well, the only way that I know to loose the joy of God’s salvation is by my sin. I am eternally secure, but my relationship with God is broken when I sin. So, what am I saying, I’m broken because of my sin? As it has already been said in the comments, God does break us to build us back in the way He has planed for us … all I can say to that is God, build away! Happiness is a feeling that is as fleeting as the wind. Joy is something that I have when I’m in the presence of God.
The presence of God’s joy should come through corporate worship. Unfortunately, many times worship services are anything but a joyful experience. I realize that God reveals Himself to us in worship in a variety of ways. Nevertheless, the only thing I can find to describe His revealed presence in worship is joy according to Psalm 16:11.
Neal, I pray that God will show us both the path of life He has for us. And in that path the Bible promises us that in that presence is the fulness of joy and at His right hand (Heaven? or earth? I’m thinking Heaven as that is where His right hand is …) are pleasures for evermore.
Jamey
One of my favorite Christian books is Philip Yancy’s “The Jesus I Never Knew”. He challenges the church that it is not enough like Jesus. All kinds of the “wrong kind of people” were drawn to Jesus and are repelled by the church. I don’t think the church is called to be about hate and I don’t go to a church that teaches that fortunately.
When my days are over I hope that people will say of my that I was full of grace as Jesus is full of grace, full of love as Jesus is full of love and full of infectious joy from the one who came that my life may be full of joy (John 15:11).
Neal my brother, I know that you and I don’t agree on all issues (like politics) but that which we have in common is so much more important to me than any of that.
I pray that you will find that joy again.
—
Chris
Amateur Traveler podcast (http://AmateurTraveler.com)
The Bible Study Podcast (http://TheBibleStudyPodcast.com)
Hey Neal. I get my healing from helping others. By volunteering and doing real work for the greater good (in my case, it’s farming for hunger relief). I like to think that when I’m doing my bit, I’m living a part of my life as Christ lived his, and when I’m out there in the fields, I feel the Holy Spirit all around me. That’s what heals me and I hope you find a way too.
Neal,
Been there myself Neal. I discovered that the JOY is not from being a “Christian” but in knowing Jesus and being a part of his Kingdom. I’ve been reading Myles Monroe’s books on the Kingdom and he teaches that when Jesus came to earth, he came to restore the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. Earth is like a colony of Heaven and of course Adam and Eve’s sin shut it down until Jesus came as a sacrifice to restore the Kingdom which opened up the door for our salvation. Every colony has a Governor and the Holy Spirit is the Governor of Colony Earth. Keep in mind, we are not subjects, but citizens and have rights. Subjects don’t have any rights at all. For me, joy is something I choose to have or not have. As a citizen of earth, not heaven, I can exercise my right to it. Maybe the joy you had was because you weren’t exposed to the negative side of the church and when the Holy Spirit started revealing the truth to you it killed the emotion of joy. Well, I know I can’t help you. It’s called “working our your own salvation” and you’ll have to find your back out.For me it was bitterness towards people and pastors. Avoid bitterness at all cost,it’s not worth it. I discovered that I was my biggest problem, not the people I thought were in the wrong. My best advise is to stop looking at men and look only to God.
And remember, all followers of the Lord will suffer wounds but you’ll survive if you look only to Him.
Ron
Neal
I don’t exactly know how, perhaps it was the casual interactions between you and Cali, but the moment I saw you two I knew you were Christians. Despite what you are feeling and going through, to a total stranger like myself the warmth, joy, and passions of both your spirits do shine through; in both your shows and relationship.
You have to expect that society, government, and political correctness are at odds with Christianity. (Actually they are also at odds with independent thinking). When their focus is cost, control, and comfort how can they not be?
I hold to Jesus and the Bible. That’s my religion. I’m in church 24×7 because God is with me always. In all things, including some churches and friendships, I savor the fruit and handle the rest as best I can.
It’s a disappointment about Leo (I know I feel it), but it’s also an opportunity to rise above it and be the exception to his rule. In truth; we don’t know everything he’s going through either. To be an atheist is to believe this is all there is. As you get older, that gets to feel very lonely. We need to forgive and move on.
You and Cali are not alone in your beliefs or views, nor in some of your disappointments. (I twittered Cali on Global Warming; I new she would experience a flood of irrationality). You both should have some people in your life that will listen to you, even if they don’t agree, and still hang around you anyway. And you probably should do the same for others you don’t agree with. You never know when someone will reach out. Every person’s walk is different and we never know what lead them to where they are.
Speaking as someone whose been in computers for over 20 years, as well as played around with broadcasting, I understand a lot of what you’ve accomplished together with GeekBrief (and the joy of getting even the most tedious things to work). I’ve become a fan and hope someday I get to meet you (feel free to visit me at Disney World).
Follow me on twitter if you’d like another friend to DM with.
God bless
Keith
Hi Neal, saw your tweet on gay people and Christianity. It’s great to see you voicing and championing pro-gay Christian rights & spreading love rather than hate. I’m gay (but not at all religious) and it’s heart-warming to see there are Christians who don’t hate us all.
Richie
I hear you Neal. I was reading how the sacrfices of our God are a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51?). Lately though I’ve been broken but without joy which I do not think well for anyone’s soul. Still seek the Lord though, you can trust that He will bless that.
I think that the Scripture that Sarah pointed to is very appropriate. But, couple that with Mark 4 & the parable of the sower & see the ground representing the condition of the heart & what we plant inside of it. I understand somewhat about the fatigue on the gay/homosexual issues in the church, but only if that focus takes the place of the true gospel, which is pointing people to Jesus Christ. I’m in no way for gay/homosexual behavior, but I do know that God loves them as He loves us & He hates SIN (which, according to His Word, this behavior falls under; fornication, abomination). I think what you’re tired of is what all Christians who really stress relationship over legalism desires; being real. We (as Christians) strive to look like above reproach so much, that we seldom focus on what God is really showing us about ourselves that’s keeping us from getting closer to Him, so while we’re stressing 8 ways to this, 12 keys to that & 20 steps to prosperity, none of those things really center around Jesus Christ & that is where the real fatigue sets in. As far as not being broken, I don’t think that it’s a bad thing to be broken (based on Mark 4), but I think that the joy should be in the gift of eternal life that we receive by accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, as well knowing that these light afflictions don’t compare to eternity spent with God. Living life in light of eternity instead of basing it on these clown hucksters that peddle the gospel for attention and/or profit financially.
Wow, thank you Larry for putting into words that I couldn’t. God Bless!
I became christian from resent time. From that moment Jesus Christ played a big role in my life. He absolutely changed my life, because if He wasn not, i dont know what way i was gone. Only He could gave me the hope, the real life and the joy in this difficult life!
My dear brother in Jesus Christ Neal! I want to tell you that we should act with love and prayers. And God will certenly hear you. Because many people suffer of the lack of love. Today God wants we did the first step to this peaple! God bless you.
Your sister in Christ,
Elmira from Tajikistan.
Thank u 4 ur honesty. i am a methodist minister in Ireland and am in despair cos i cannot take the harshness of the church toward broken people, of which i am one. U made me feel a little less alone tonight! Thank u!!!
Pauline lorimer
Neal, as a fellow Christian I would like to be able to know how you feel. Alas, that is not entirely possible. We all sin and fall short of God’s glory here on Earth. Perhaps sometimes church bodies can give an impression that do not love everyone. I think that is sad. However, I think the far sadder situation is the ignorance of God’s Word and the use of human reason to turn God’s Word to support sinful behavior. We should love the sinner, and hate the sin.
I sincerely hope you find the peace of God in your life; its not something that will come from human understanding or reason, but it will come from God and his Word to all of us.
Blessings on your journey my friend.
Perry Lund
Broken?
It sounds to me like the church provided you with a strong social network. You assumed the people in this network would be kind people because they were also Christian. Unfortunately the faithful are statistically no more empathetic than non-believers. It sounds to me like you are coming up against this contradiction and are smart enough that you can’t ignore it. But having your social network pulled out from under you is pretty stressful.
My advice: rebuild your social network with people who have a track record of actual kindness to other human beings. And by kindness I mean concern for the suffering of others without any religious overtones. This works well for me.
And if you yourself are not causing suffering to anyone, stop calling yourself broken. Maybe it’s those who suspend their empathy and use doctrine to justify it, who are broken.
Peace.
You aren’t broken, that church is, because it forgot to care about all people, including gays and women who can’t face having a child at that point in their life. So find a new church that is worthy of your support. Keep looking… it’s out there.
Neal,I don’t think you broken, but more like orphan. Thankyou for sharing part of your life. I too feel broken, torn between my wants and Gods needs of me.
I pray you find a Church family. I was once a lost piece of a puzzle for years, not knowing where I belonged. Then God sent me to my present Chruch family. I was a perfect fit, like I had always been there.
God bless, don’t stop looking.