Divorce, Healing and Feeling Alone
In life we try to have empathy for people when they go through hard times. In my life, if I heard about someone loosing a loved one to cancer, I felt bad for them. I hated it for them, but ultimately I feel like I cannot begin to even get close to understanding what they were going through.
In the last year, two men in new media announced their marriages were ending. I’ve admired the work of both men and the marriages of both men. When they each announced their divorces, I was deeply saddened for days. I didn’t understand the sadness. I know them both a little bit on a professional level, but not very well on a personal level so the depth of my sadness was unusual. Looking back, I think I probably had a sense that my marriage wasn’t making it either.
There is no way I could have ever guessed how painful the divorce process is. Friends help in amazing ways, but unless they’ve experienced the emotional trauma of divorce they can only help so much. They try their hardest and you’ll appreciate the effort, but I’ve found it really helpful to find people going through the same thing.
At first, I attended something called RE|ENGAGE at Watermark Church in Dallas. It’s a dynamic, ongoing Wednesday night ministry designed to strengthen and heal marriages. One of the most unique things about RE|ENGAGE is its group sessions. There are couples groups, like you’d expect, but there are also groups for spouses who are there to work on their marriage without their partner. There are men’s groups and women’s groups. There is something powerful about hearing a person you don’t know, express in words the exact feelings you’re experiencing. The realization that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do is the beginning of healing. At least it has been for me.
I still believe God wants to heal marriages, but I’ve lost faith that He’ll heal mine before divorce is final. I’m switching from RE|ENGAGE to another support system called DivorceCare. DivorceCare is something that takes place in churches all over America. It’s a support group kind of thing where you walk through the pain with other people who are experiencing it too.
I’m not really in a position to hand out advice to anyone, so this is really just about what’s working for me. Friends have been amazing. Friends have also been frustrating when they haven’t understood, but mostly they’ve been amazing. Ultimately though, it’s been very important to talk to people who personally know from experience what this is like. That’s what I encourage anyone going through this to do.
It turns out we’re never quite as unique as we think we are and that’s a very beautiful thing.
3 Responses to “Divorce, Healing and Feeling Alone”
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The experience makes you realize what a social animal the human being is.
I found that the internal questioning of one’s self about the situation never really goes away, but you learn to cope with it and go on with your life with time.
Cherish the finer memories, and then resolve yourself to go forward to make new ones with the new beginning.
God can help you heal.
I’m sorry for what you are going through at the moment. I hope god will heal your heart soon.
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Hi Neal,
I have watched Geekbrief TV for a few years now and always looked forward to seeing the episodes that you guys produced. I was really saddened when I first saw the tweets announcing your separation and had a lot of trouble going to sleep that night. So, I spent a few hours (on and off) praying for you guys. I know that God can fix anything, but I also know that he doesn’t always do so. So, take heart my friend. God will see you through this. My family will keep you in our prayers.
God bless you, Neil…