Dealing with a Suicidal Loved One

I wrote this early this year. I shared it with friends and they thought I should post it after I was over it. Telling people you want to kill yourself creates a lot of reactions. The strangest for someone in pain is when people get angry at the hurting person. I hope this helps…

One of the major events that led to Luria leaving home was when I felt like nothing I did would please her. I felt hopeless. At the end of December, I gave up. I said I wanted to kill myself. I had dealt with depression and feeling I didn’t belong in this world for the last three years and she didn’t know how to help and she wasn’t willing to try.

Since she left, I’ve been blessed to connect with friends who know what it’s like to consider suicide. We’ve done the research into the various methods and learned that it’s very, very hard to get that job done. To me, the difficulty of ending one’s life is proof of God. Those of us who have a hard time coping with people being mean or life being disappointing sometimes put suicide on the options list. We are probably the artists and creative people in your life and you can’t have a one-sided coin. Some of the worlds greatest humor and beauty comes from people who have the deepest pain. Carol Burnett said, “Comedy is tragedy plus time.”

There’s an important point I want to make to everyone who has never considered suicide. No one gets the response or advice right. When I’ve confided my thoughts of ending it to friends, I’ve encountered anger, discouragement, Bible verses and selfishness (if you kill yourself, I would feel bad).

If someone you care about thinks they want to give up and die, please don’t get mad at them, please don’t get hurt, and please don’t take it personally. If I trust you enough to say, “I want to kill myself.” I’m not looking for you to encourage me not to. What I’m really saying is, “I’m finding it impossible to find the resources to cope with living through this stage of life. Are you willing and able to help?”

Jeremiah 29:11 is a great Bible verse, but you’re probably the 137th person to remind us of it. If you have someone in your life considering suicide the very first thing you have to understand is that it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Suicide may very well be a selfish choice, but for those of us who consider it, it is about one thing. We want the pain to stop. We probably don’t want to do it. Our preference is to get beyond the pain, but in the moment getting beyond it doesn’t seem like a guarantee.

If you care, that’s probably all you need to do … just care.

When I felt like I wanted to give up, it’s because I didn’t feel like I had the stuff inside to survive. Rather than telling us not to do it because it would hurt the people who love us, consider that their love isn’t getting the job done and we’re looking to stop the pain.

I spent this morning thinking about what the right response to me would be. I know the right answer isn’t what people tend to say. I think it might be, “let’s go eat some good food and talk.” After talking to another friend who had seriously considere suicide three times, she thought my “Let’s go eat” idea was more about asking for proof you care to walk with us through the darkness.

Life is hard for everyone at some points, and I hope easy for everyone at other points. Most people don’t seem to have the temptation to consider giving up, but it’s important for you to understand those of us who do, if you really want to help.

I’ll write more about this later. I feel like it’s a mission to educate people who aren’t tempted by suicide about how to deal with those of us who have been.

UPDATE: I’ve healed and grown so much this year and found a purpose that stretches me to grow and meet needs outside of myself. I can’t currently imagine having a suicidal thought. The message of this video I shot for Bishop Gene Robinson was targeted at gay kids considering suicide, but the point applies to all of us. It Get’s Better!