Existential Crisis # 732
One day, I hope I can stop having deep, depressive episodes where I wonder what the purpose of life is or should be. My current existential crisis follows a year of spiritual searching, finding, wandering, frequently getting lost, and sometimes being found.
I have faith in God, but it’s only occasionally stronger than my doubts about Him or Her. The thing I believe in more than anything else is belief. Believing seems to work for me even when I’m unsure about the truth of what I believe. Believing makes me feel better than cynicism and doubt.
I’m not a fan of fundamentalists, but as I’ve very seriously considered ending my life lately, I’ve been introduced to a different kind of fundamentalist. Shane Claiborne fundamentally believes that Jesus meant it when He said, “Sell all you have and give to the poor.” Shane grew up a blessed, American kid, but in college, he started taking Jesus seriously and living like Jesus said to live. That isn’t what Christians do. Christians worship God and work on prosperity. Jesus said to give away everything and work on helping the poor and the outcasts.
I’m not there yet. I want to be there. Having so much taken from me in the last year has made me open to the idea of being there. I used to only sleep in certain kinds of beds in certain kinds of places with LOTS of air conditioning. Now I’ll sleep on the floor. I don’t care about stuff the way I used to care.
One of the reasons I haven’t started a new show to replace GeekBrief.TV is that every time I sit down to look at gadget news, I think about how shallow it is. There are so many people hurting more than I’m hurting. Gay teenagers are killing themselves because the Church gives aid and comfort to bullies.
I’m not saying I won’t do a gadget show or an entertainment show. If I can create properties that generate the kind of revenue we did with GeekBrief.TV and give that away, it might be far better than if I just give away what I have to help people in the short-term.
I go back and forth from being angry at Luria for taking my business away from me to thinking it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened in my life.
I don’t know how it’s all going to work out for me, or even if it will. I have very little motivation to live for myself right now. I’m motivated to live for the people in my life who love me, but not for myself. If I can figure out a way to really help hurting people and spend my life doing that … I want to do that!
I get really upset with Christians who tell me, if I kill myself, I’ll go to “hell.” I really don’t think those people are friends with God. God knows I’m in hell right now. I believe He wants me to do something with my life that matters and that helps people, but the idea that God is love transcends all that judgement crap religious people throw around so they feel saved and superior.
The song in my head right now is so sweet and simple,
“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His Word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know, thus saith the Lord.”
I’m not going to be where Shane Claiborne is any time soon, but I am going to aim in that direction. The rest I’ll have to figure out along the way.
Buy Shane’s book, The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical.
Ministry or Media
When I was twelve, I built a replica of the Jim and Tammy PTL set out of lego. I sponge painted the walls of the outdoor patio area to look like stone. I made cameras. There was actual lighting. I even made dresses for Tammy Faye and the PTL singers. I LOVED Jim and Tammy. I’m pretty sure I always will, even as Jim wants to sell me some Glenn Beck supplies. Tammy may have worn some heavy makeup, but she wasn’t fake. She loved people just like they are and Jim and Tammy ended every show saying, “God loves you. He really, really does.”
Before we started GeekBrief.TV, Luria and I did an audio show called The Crappy Christian Show. It was intended to be silly and funny and we were trying to be like Dawn and Drew. The show had an underlying message, though, that kept cutting through the silliness. We said, “If good Christians hate gay people, we must be crappy Christians.” We really believed a Crappy Christian is the best kind you can be. When we started that show, our goal was to be like Dawn and Drew and to quit our day jobs to podcast full time. The Crappy Christian Show quickly transitioned into something deeper that looked a whole lot more like ministry than show business. We had about 3000 downloads per episode and 80% of the audience was made up of gay Christians. I wasn’t ready to be in any kind of ministry, but I had a heart for the gay community that I didn’t understand. I believed back then, and believe it even more strongly now that God loves GLBT people just as they are and doesn’t expect them to change.
Over the last five years I’ve had conversations with hundreds of gay men and women. Their stories are all so similar. So many of them grew up in church loving God and feeling a same-sex attraction. They begged God to change them, to take it away. It scared them. They didn’t want to be different. They didn’t want to be gay. No matter how much they begged. No matter how much they pleaded. No matter how much they quoted scripture, went to counseling and got prayed over, God didn’t change them. So many of them were kicked out of churches and told to return only if they repented. Some of them felt rejected by God, but so many of them still felt God’s love and acceptance in spite of what they were getting from people who say they loved God fulltime. When these men and women got to be around 40-years-old (some sooner), they started to be really okay with the fact that God doesn’t seem to have any interest in turning them straight.
One of my biggest struggles over the past few months has been over the same thing I struggled with when we were doing The Crappy Christian Show. I don’t think the church has done a good job loving people just as they are. We’ve been so worried about hating the “sin” that we claim to love while holding our noses. If the love is genuine, it certainly isn’t being perceived by GLBT folks who long for God’s presence. I could be completely wrong about what I believe, but I sincerely believe we need to only love people and let God deal with whatever He chooses to deal with. I’ve had chains of sin and bondage just fall off this year. I didn’t struggle. I didn’t fight to be free. I just focused on what is true and pure and holy and God did the work. I don’t believe that God wants to turn gay people straight, but if He does, He can’t do it when we are pushing people away.
I know that I’ve so frequently gotten God wrong and not shown His amazing love and grace. My heart’s cry is for me to never let my stuff interrupt God’s grace and love. That isn’t the righteousness of God. That’s self-righteousness and I want every bit of that out of my life. Jesus said we have to die to ourselves. I embrace that with everything in me and with every step, the amazing grace of God overwhelms my mind, will and emotions and fills my spirit with love that can’t be defeated.
I want to continue to make a difference in what new media is and is supposed to be, but a lot of days that hardly matters to me. If you want to see me filled with passion, talk to be about Jesus loving gay people. Every time I hear about another gay kid killing himself, I know deep down my life is meant to be about not letting that happen anymore. My friends tell me there is a balance between the two. Maybe so, but it’s been the thing I’ve struggled with for five years and I haven’t stopped yet! I believe in a God who loves us with extravagant grace, and I think He wants His people to always love, no matter how hard it is. I have huge new media dreams, but I also know I have a huge calling to challenge the church on the gay issue. I just can’t help doing it no matter how freaking hard I try!
I really believe that’s a big part of why I’m divorced. Jesus condemned divorce. He never condemned gay people. The church has massive grace for divorced people. It’s time that the church starts to have massive grace for GLBT people too.
At my church we sing a song called God Be Praised (I don’t think my church would support my postion on gay rights, but I love the people there just as they are, even if they aren’t ready to be as accepting as I am). The words bring me to tears every time we sing it:
You saved my life from death
When I was all defeated
You spoke Your promises
And brought life to my weakness
Came as a conquering King
And You warred for my freedom
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah
You opened up my eyes
For the first time I saw You
Your love commanding life
And deserving devotion
You told me who I am
Now in faith I believe it
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah
You’ve made a place for me
Silenced all my accusers
Leading me forth with peace
Filled with joy I will follow
Your cross demands my life
Now Your grace is my anthem
My soul can’t help but sing
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, we’re redeemed and made free
By the blood of the Lamb We have won
Hallelujah, we will sing victory
Jesus conquered the grave
God be praised
I’m very glad God hasn’t required me to be a good Christian. He seems to like using me as a crappy one!
Read MoreWhat I Did on my Summer (NOT) Vacation
On January 15, 2010, the woman I married almost twelve years ago left home and my world turned upside down. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it’s turning out to be the best. No doubt I loved her. I poured every bit of my talent and energy into creating an uncommon, life and career for her. It took six years to get that right, but once I did, she took it and ran with it.
The first part of the year, I worked on trying to save my marriage. I went to counseling, support groups, read books, watched videos. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done to fix it because I didn’t believe in divorce or giving up. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to change her heart, mind or focus. When fixing it didn’t change anything, I started working on me.
I grew up in church and for me nothing feels like home like when I’m in church. I was a close-minded fundamentalist who loved the story of Jesus. As a teenager, I fell in love with the charismatic experience of worship. There is a mystical thing that happens in a charismatic church as the music starts on a high and transitions into a tender, peaceful rest. I wanted to grow up to lead worship because I loved those feelings I got in church.
After I was married, that girl seemed perfect. I couldn’t name a sin she was guilty of, and if she was sin-free, what did I really need with a God I couldn’t see? We stopped going to church and I started worshiping her. I thought she was all I needed. I didn’t think I needed friends. I didn’t think I needed family and I didn’t think I needed God. I gave up on God and gave up worship
It wasn’t fair to her though. It might feel nice to be worshiped a little, but no human can stand to be worshiped with the intensity I worshiped her. When she couldn’t supply the spiritual and emotional needs I used to get from worshiping God … that joy unexplainable and peace that passes all understanding … I began to slowly fall apart. I broke and I wanted to die.
This Summer, I worked on healing. I reconnected with friends and family in beautiful ways. I went to Budapest, Vienna and Prague. I ate, prayed and wondered about the possibility of love. Friends and family sustained me. When I fell apart, they grabbed me and held me back together. I confessed my sins to them and they didn’t run away. They helped me heal. They saw me weak. They saw me cry. They saw me want to give up. The saw me through.
This year, I became a worshiper of God again. I’m not a fundamentalist any more and I can’t come anywhere near thinking you would get the same thing I get from faith, but I know it works for me. I feel like me again. I have joy and peace in the middle of the decimation of my hopes and dreams. My church has a thing called Freedom Ministries and it has been the most transformative experience of my life, on both cognitive and spiritual levels. It’s helped me with depression, fear of rejection, selfishness and I’m just getting started. Freedom classes are available online.
In her book, Mosaic
So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He’s brought me through
’cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn’t know that He could solve them
I wouldn’t know what faith in His Word could do
This year has been the hardest of my life, but it’s brought depth and meaning like I’ve never had before. I’m starting to build something new and this time it won’t be a frivolous quest for fame and fortune. I want what I do next to be a tool than generates resources to help hurting broken people. It will be just as shiny, happy and fun as GeekBrief.TV, but it will have a deeper purpose.
This last week I was in the home of a dear friend, Pastor Randy McCain. He preached the funeral of Tammy Faye Bakker. There were two things I remember Tammy Faye saying over and over again.
- You can make it!
- God loves you! He really, really does!
I have a lot to do! My goal is to build an amazing new media production company that entertains, inspires, funds charity and maybe even changes the world a little bit.
Stay tunned…
Turning the Ship
As a creative person, my mind works like moths flying around a laser beam. Creative ideas and imagination are fluttering in chaotic orbits around a hyper-focused central idea, goal or mission. When my central focus is on faith or hope, my creativity produces good things. When my central focus is on fear and doubt, my creativity produces a mess. Anyone paying close enough attention to me over the last five years got to see both things happen.
From 2005 to 2008, my heart and mind were focused on GeekBrief.TV. That show was all about faith, hope and expectation. For the first time in my life, I truly believed I could make something valuable out of nothing more than what my mind could invent. Watching a dream turn into reality was powerful and motivational and it lead me to dream other dreams. I had the idea for The Big Trip, a dream where we would take the show on the road and travel to all 50 states in an RV or bus. When we were ready to buy the Big Trip vehicle, the economic crises was starting. Had we tried to purchase the vehicle sooner, we would have been able to get a mortgage for a bus just like on a house, but by the time we were ready, banks weren’t taking the same risks. As the dream of doing the Big Trip started to go down in flames, my focus shifted from faith to fear. I call it, “Going all Glen Beck.” I started worrying about the country. I started worrying about my future with my wife. I didn’t sleep well and the joy that was in my life gave way to misery and worry. If you followed me on Twitter during that time, you saw me collapse.
Dogs don’t bite because they’re mean. They bite when they’re scared. I’m like that too.
At Blogworld 2009, Chris Brogan said something like, “Be nice or get off the Internet.” That started to change my life, but changing one’s life is like turning a big ship. It takes some time to shift the momentum and that takes us back to that idea of where my laser is pointed. When my laser was pointed in the direction of fear about Obama and socialism, I did more damage to my soul than Obama and socialism ever could do to my bank account. When my wife left, the stuff happening in D.C. became irrelevant in my life.
Chris Brogan’s speech at Blogworld helped me to start to turn the ship, but I couldn’t turn it fast enough to save my marriage. My wife is filled with hope and optimism and living with my despair made her miserable and it isn’t something I can salvage because I’m alone in wanting to fix it.
It’s sad, but it’s a cautionary tale that I hope will end up strengthening other people’s marriages. If your life is filled with worry, doubt and fear, your life is going to crash. I believe in God and I believe God is a good Papa who wants good things for His kids. You may not have to believe in God to be optimistic. I do. Faith, hope and love will bring good things into your life. Fear, doubt and anger will bring bad things. It is just about the same as driving the Titanic in the general direction of an iceberg. We’ve all seen the movie. It doesn’t end well.
It’s very difficult to change who we are, but it’s rather simple to change how we are. It’s just a matter of changing our focus. I’m seeing it happen in my life. I’m experiencing joy and peace that I haven’t had for years and it’s simply because I slowly started turning the ship from a focus on fear toward a focus on faith, and not just faith in God, faith that tomorrow will be better than yesterday.
Read MoreChag Pesach Sameach!
This is Hava Nagila Texas Style with a Choir!
via WizbangBlog.com and FWGMills on Twitter.
Read MoreBrian McLaren
Brian McLaren is a liberal pastor who writes books that upset conservative Christians. My Christian friends who prefer democrats tend to like Brian, and my Christian friends who prefer republicans tend to think he is a heretic.
I don’t really have an opinion about him. I’m probably more inclined to disagree with him politically, but the one thing I know is that my friends who read his books love God and do more to help the poor than the friends who call him a heretic.
Last night, I watched a video of a group of conservative theologians sitting on a stage tearing Brian’s latest book apart. They seemed to really enjoy themselves as the repeatedly called Brian out on hermeneutical errors. The smugness on that stage looked and sounded much more like the religious leaders who wanted Jesus killed and out of the way than the ones who wanted to do what He said to do.
I’m not good at the thing I think we’re called to do as Christians yet, but I’m working on it. We’re called to love and take care of hurting people. Jesus didn’t say the world would know us by our spot on theology. He said they’d know us by our love. Disagree or agree with Brian all you want, but don’t get dressed up and turn on cameras to spend an evening on a stage talking about him. I guarantee that there are people those guys on that stage could have been loving one-on-one like Jesus did, but instead they turned the gospel into sideline commentary to make themselves feel superior.
I’ve been more guilty of emphatically believing what I believe than anyone. Being right isn’t all that important. Sharing the transformative love of God matters more than politics and it matters more than hermeneutics so let’s just get over ourselves.
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