A Temporary Thing
Being married to Luria was all I ever wanted in life. It was the thing I prayed for in bed when I was nine-years-old. I wanted to be married to a beautiful, smart, sweet girl. I’m not sure what I believe about God anymore, but Luria turned out to be an answered prayer. I loved her, love her and will always love her.
I worked on things to fit what she said where her dreams. Modeling didn’t work because that business is just weird. She groked it and that business doesn’t like girl who grok it. We then started writing a book. Harry Potter was taking off and we started writing a book set in New Orleans with a flood threat that skidded to a halt with Katrina. My next thing was podcasting inspired by Dawn and Drew. The Crappy Christian Show quickly evolved from Luria and me getting drunk and talking into a mic into a ministry type thing to share the idea that God may love gay people just as they are, without any expectation they change. I didn’t want to be in ministry and Luria certainly didn’t.
Steve Jobs announced the first iPod that played video and I worked to make that iPod play GeekBrief.TV. That worked well. We started making money. Mevio was a great partner. Luria wanted more, and people in her life convinced her she was the character I wrote every day. Her belief that she was Cali Lewis grew into an argument that led her to leave our marriage.
I still want to be writing tech news as Cali Lewis and producing GeekBrief.TV. I don’t get that as an option, and I’ve come close to launching alternative visions. I almost released a gadget show yesterday.
Here’s the deal though … I don’t want to work on a next thing that is anything but temporary. My heart can’t currently believe in long term. I want to work, but I’m not ready to say, “This is the thing that replaces Cali Lewis and GeekBrief.TV for me.” Even my dreams for Bacon.TV in partnership with Wright Brand Bacon isn’t that powerful!
The Mayans predicted the world ends at the end of 2012. Obviously, that’s silly just like when that preacher dude did it twice in 2011. But you know what? So what! What will happen if I live this year like it’s not only my last year, but yours? That’s what I’m going to do.
Tomorrow I launch a temporary thing I can believe in and I think it will inspire you to do something better than you planned to do in 2012. It isn’t serious because I’m not ready to be serious. It’s just about fun.
I’ve lost my life goal of being married to a beautiful, smart, and kind girl. I’m not making that kind of goal again. To make it through. I want to live as though it’s not only my last year but yours too.
Read MoreHere’s To the Crazy Ones Animation by Neal.TV
No single person, living or dead has had a more important impact on my life than Steve Jobs. I’m just learning animation. This is my second one. I wanted to do something in memory of Steve Jobs. Some people like to listen to Linus quote Luke 2 on Christmas. I want to hear Steve Jobs toast The Crazy Ones who change things.
I uploaded in 1080p so watch full-screen.
Read MoreTed Talk about Vulnerability, Connectedness and Whole-Heartedness
I’ve worked through a lot of stuff in the last year. This TED talk covers some of the stuff I’m still working through.
Read More“Stories are data with a soul.” -Brene Brown
My Biggest Business Blunder
I came out of the most massive depression of my life last February.
In January, I wanted to die so bad I stayed in bed the whole month taking Benadryl every time I woke up. It was bad.
While waiting for the Benadryl to kick in, I studied suicide and learned the most peaceful method involves an oven bag and helium. Beyond my religious baggage, the thing that kept me hanging on was a belief that I might be able to work on something that matters more than GeekBrief.TV did.
I want to be doing GeekBrief.TV. Since it was my idea and I wrote all the shows, I can’t come to terms with losing it. It should be mine. I invented my dream job and I don’t want to do anything else. Life says, I don’t get the option I want.
Luria and I agreed before mediation, I would get GeekBrief.TV and she would get Cali Lewis. To me that would be the best, bad end of our marriage and business relationship. When we got to mediation last November, she changed her mind. She was suing Mevio for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. Mevio’s lawyer, Bobby and mine said let her have GeekBrief.TV. Mevio told me that they would win and give GeekBrief.TV to me to control. The mediation process is HELL. Mevio told me I would earn back equity based on performance of the show. Having my baby (GeekBrief.TV) messed with by outside forces wasn’t okay, but I trusted Mevio at that point more than I trusted Luria. Right now, I barely trust even best friends. I made a huge mistake trusting Bobby at Mevio, but I don’t think it was the biggest business blunder I made.
In February, the depression burned off like fog does in San Francisco. I went from feeling doomed to feeling excited about my future. It happened over night.
I was taking care of my grandmother and her sister until the family could get them in a better, safer place. I started reading my home town paper and creating a vision for something I could do there. There was an article about Let’s Think Productions shooting a short film there. That gave me huge hope. I made a list of people in my home town that were making a difference, and I worked on getting to know them.
All that, and I still haven’t gotten to my biggest business blunder! When depression went away, I was open to any opportunity. The opportunity to produce the “Making of The Bloodstone Diaries: Thief of All Things” happened and it was one of the most fun things I’ve ever done in my life. I got to work with talented and nice people who produced very cool things for me to shoot and edit. From that, I made this …
What I Did on my Summer (NOT) Vacation
On January 15, 2010, the woman I married almost twelve years ago left home and my world turned upside down. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it’s turning out to be the best. No doubt I loved her. I poured every bit of my talent and energy into creating an uncommon, life and career for her. It took six years to get that right, but once I did, she took it and ran with it.
The first part of the year, I worked on trying to save my marriage. I went to counseling, support groups, read books, watched videos. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done to fix it because I didn’t believe in divorce or giving up. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to change her heart, mind or focus. When fixing it didn’t change anything, I started working on me.
I grew up in church and for me nothing feels like home like when I’m in church. I was a close-minded fundamentalist who loved the story of Jesus. As a teenager, I fell in love with the charismatic experience of worship. There is a mystical thing that happens in a charismatic church as the music starts on a high and transitions into a tender, peaceful rest. I wanted to grow up to lead worship because I loved those feelings I got in church.
After I was married, that girl seemed perfect. I couldn’t name a sin she was guilty of, and if she was sin-free, what did I really need with a God I couldn’t see? We stopped going to church and I started worshiping her. I thought she was all I needed. I didn’t think I needed friends. I didn’t think I needed family and I didn’t think I needed God. I gave up on God and gave up worship
It wasn’t fair to her though. It might feel nice to be worshiped a little, but no human can stand to be worshiped with the intensity I worshiped her. When she couldn’t supply the spiritual and emotional needs I used to get from worshiping God … that joy unexplainable and peace that passes all understanding … I began to slowly fall apart. I broke and I wanted to die.
This Summer, I worked on healing. I reconnected with friends and family in beautiful ways. I went to Budapest, Vienna and Prague. I ate, prayed and wondered about the possibility of love. Friends and family sustained me. When I fell apart, they grabbed me and held me back together. I confessed my sins to them and they didn’t run away. They helped me heal. They saw me weak. They saw me cry. They saw me want to give up. The saw me through.
This year, I became a worshiper of God again. I’m not a fundamentalist any more and I can’t come anywhere near thinking you would get the same thing I get from faith, but I know it works for me. I feel like me again. I have joy and peace in the middle of the decimation of my hopes and dreams. My church has a thing called Freedom Ministries and it has been the most transformative experience of my life, on both cognitive and spiritual levels. It’s helped me with depression, fear of rejection, selfishness and I’m just getting started. Freedom classes are available online.
In her book, Mosaic
So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He’s brought me through
’cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn’t know that He could solve them
I wouldn’t know what faith in His Word could do
This year has been the hardest of my life, but it’s brought depth and meaning like I’ve never had before. I’m starting to build something new and this time it won’t be a frivolous quest for fame and fortune. I want what I do next to be a tool than generates resources to help hurting broken people. It will be just as shiny, happy and fun as GeekBrief.TV, but it will have a deeper purpose.
This last week I was in the home of a dear friend, Pastor Randy McCain. He preached the funeral of Tammy Faye Bakker. There were two things I remember Tammy Faye saying over and over again.
- You can make it!
- God loves you! He really, really does!
I have a lot to do! My goal is to build an amazing new media production company that entertains, inspires, funds charity and maybe even changes the world a little bit.
Stay tunned…
