I worked on things to fit what she said where her dreams. Modeling didn’t work because that business is just weird. She groked it and that business doesn’t like girl who grok it. We then started writing a book. Harry Potter was taking off and we started writing a book set in New Orleans with a flood threat that skidded to a halt with Katrina. My next thing was podcasting inspired by Dawn and Drew. The Crappy Christian Show quickly evolved from Luria and me getting drunk and talking into a mic into a ministry type thing to share the idea that God may love gay people just as they are, without any expectation they change. I didn’t want to be in ministry and Luria certainly didn’t.

Steve Jobs announced the first iPod that played video and I worked to make that iPod play GeekBrief.TV. That worked well. We started making money. Mevio was a great partner. Luria wanted more, and people in her life convinced her she was the character I wrote every day. Her belief that she was Cali Lewis grew into an argument that led her to leave our marriage.

I still want to be writing tech news as Cali Lewis and producing GeekBrief.TV. I don’t get that as an option, and I’ve come close to launching alternative visions. I almost released a gadget show yesterday.

Here’s the deal though … I don’t want to work on a next thing that is anything but temporary. My heart can’t currently believe in long term. I want to work, but I’m not ready to say, “This is the thing that replaces Cali Lewis and GeekBrief.TV for me.” Even my dreams for Bacon.TV in partnership with Wright Brand Bacon isn’t that powerful!

The Mayans predicted the world ends at the end of 2012. Obviously, that’s silly just like when that preacher dude did it twice in 2011. But you know what? So what! What will happen if I live this year like it’s not only my last year, but yours? That’s what I’m going to do.

Tomorrow I launch a temporary thing I can believe in and I think it will inspire you to do something better than you planned to do in 2012. It isn’t serious because I’m not ready to be serious. It’s just about fun.

I’ve lost my life goal of being married to a beautiful, smart, and kind girl. I’m not making that kind of goal again. To make it through. I want to live as though it’s not only my last year but yours too.

No single person, living or dead has had a more important impact on my life than Steve Jobs. I’m just learning animation. This is my second one. I wanted to do something in memory of Steve Jobs. Some people like to listen to Linus quote Luke 2 on Christmas. I want to hear Steve Jobs toast The Crazy Ones who change things.

I uploaded in 1080p so watch full-screen.

I’ve worked through a lot of stuff in the last year. This TED talk covers some of the stuff I’m still working through.

“Stories are data with a soul.” -Brene Brown

In January, I wanted to die so bad I stayed in bed the whole month taking Benadryl every time I woke up. It was bad.

While waiting for the Benadryl to kick in, I studied suicide and learned the most peaceful method involves an oven bag and helium. Beyond my religious baggage, the thing that kept me hanging on was a belief that I might be able to work on something that matters more than GeekBrief.TV did.

I want to be doing GeekBrief.TV. Since it was my idea and I wrote all the shows, I can’t come to terms with losing it. It should be mine. I invented my dream job and I don’t want to do anything else. Life says, I don’t get the option I want.

Luria and I agreed before mediation, I would get GeekBrief.TV and she would get Cali Lewis. To me that would be the best, bad end of our marriage and business relationship. When we got to mediation last November, she changed her mind. She was suing Mevio for reasons I can’t even begin to comprehend. Mevio’s lawyer, Bobby and mine said let her have GeekBrief.TV. Mevio told me that they would win and give GeekBrief.TV to me to control. The mediation process is HELL. Mevio told me I would earn back equity based on performance of the show. Having my baby (GeekBrief.TV) messed with by outside forces wasn’t okay, but I trusted Mevio at that point more than I trusted Luria. Right now, I barely trust even best friends. I made a huge mistake trusting Bobby at Mevio, but I don’t think it was the biggest business blunder I made.

In February, the depression burned off like fog does in San Francisco. I went from feeling doomed to feeling excited about my future. It happened over night.

I was taking care of my grandmother and her sister until the family could get them in a better, safer place. I started reading my home town paper and creating a vision for something I could do there. There was an article about Let’s Think Productions shooting a short film there. That gave me huge hope. I made a list of people in my home town that were making a difference, and I worked on getting to know them.

All that, and I still haven’t gotten to my biggest business blunder! When depression went away, I was open to any opportunity. The opportunity to produce the “Making of The Bloodstone Diaries: Thief of All Things” happened and it was one of the most fun things I’ve ever done in my life. I got to work with talented and nice people who produced very cool things for me to shoot and edit. From that, I made this …

My best friend from growing up has a daughter who is an amazing ballet dancer. She asked me to shoot photos and film the annual recitals. Intrigued by the opportunity to produce something I haven’t produced before and looking for ways to make money, I thought it would be cool to shoot the three recitals like a film and offer DVDs for sale to parents. The ballet school has around 500 students, so on the surface the idea seemed solid. It’s easy to shoot. It’s easy to edit. It’s easy to make DVDs. If I sold DVDs for $20 each, I figured it could be a nice bridge between GeekBrief.TV and what I wanted to do next.

There were three recitals. There was a gymnastics show, a dance show and a ballet show that took place over the course of a weekend. I heard from parents the event was torture, but for me it wasn’t. Okay, some of the gymnastics recital was torture, but the dance recital was an amazingly entertaining show that I would have paid to see and the ballet recital was beautiful.

After shooting the first show, I had to go to Office Depot and get an external hard drive because I realized I was capturing a LOT of data. I shot with two Canon 5D Mark IIs and rented a $5000 lens for tight shots. When we finished, I had over 20 hours of footage to edit down to half that. My promise to finish in a month was not even close to possible.

After syncing the two shots, I started cutting. I made a huge mistake. One camera shot 30 fps and the other 24 fps. The result of that mistake cost me a huge amount of time rendering to verify my cuts. In theory, it should have taken me about a month to edit what I shot. In reality, it took the whole Summer. Stumbling blocks continued to arise and it wasn’t until Monday that I got to get that haunting Steve Jobs quote out of my head: “Real artists ship.” I shipped.

I spent $30,000 to make $2,000, but beyond the cash, I put a massive amount of effort into the project. I hope some kind of karma is involved. I wanted to make recital films that are better than any other recital films ever made. When I see what I made, I think I failed. I don’t like the end result because my wide lens wasn’t good enough and I had to compress for standard definition. In HD, it looks better, but that’s too complicated for average moms and dads to grok.

Producing these DVDs was my biggest business blunder because it was a one off opportunity to make survival cash when I could have been working on something that would have provided on-going revenue. Caring about friends is a great way to be happy, but it isn’t the best basis for making business decisions.

Starting today, I’m looking for an opportunity to pour myself into someone else’s dream for Internet TV. I want to continue to be a pioneer in Web TV, but I’d like to take a break from being the primary dreamer (unless the dream is funded).

If you’d like to work with me, even though I made a huge mistake, I’m neal at neal.tv.

The first part of the year, I worked on trying to save my marriage. I went to counseling, support groups, read books, watched videos. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done to fix it because I didn’t believe in divorce or giving up. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to change her heart, mind or focus. When fixing it didn’t change anything, I started working on me.

I grew up in church and for me nothing feels like home like when I’m in church. I was a close-minded fundamentalist who loved the story of Jesus. As a teenager, I fell in love with the charismatic experience of worship. There is a mystical thing that happens in a charismatic church as the music starts on a high and transitions into a tender, peaceful rest. I wanted to grow up to lead worship because I loved those feelings I got in church.

After I was married, that girl seemed perfect. I couldn’t name a sin she was guilty of, and if she was sin-free, what did I really need with a God I couldn’t see? We stopped going to church and I started worshiping her. I thought she was all I needed. I didn’t think I needed friends. I didn’t think I needed family and I didn’t think I needed God. I gave up on God and gave up worship

It wasn’t fair to her though. It might feel nice to be worshiped a little, but no human can stand to be worshiped with the intensity I worshiped her. When she couldn’t supply the spiritual and emotional needs I used to get from worshiping God … that joy unexplainable and peace that passes all understanding … I began to slowly fall apart. I broke and I wanted to die.

This Summer, I worked on healing. I reconnected with friends and family in beautiful ways. I went to Budapest, Vienna and Prague. I ate, prayed and wondered about the possibility of love. Friends and family sustained me. When I fell apart, they grabbed me and held me back together. I confessed my sins to them and they didn’t run away. They helped me heal. They saw me weak. They saw me cry. They saw me want to give up. The saw me through.

This year, I became a worshiper of God again. I’m not a fundamentalist any more and I can’t come anywhere near thinking you would get the same thing I get from faith, but I know it works for me. I feel like me again. I have joy and peace in the middle of the decimation of my hopes and dreams. My church has a thing called Freedom Ministries and it has been the most transformative experience of my life, on both cognitive and spiritual levels. It’s helped me with depression, fear of rejection, selfishness and I’m just getting started. Freedom classes are available online.

In her book, Mosaic, Amy Grant shares a conversation she had with Sarah Cannon who is more famously known as Minnie Pearl. Amy visited Sarah when Sarah was dying and Sarah asked her, “Amy, do you know what the most important color is in an artist’s palette?” Amy thought about it and then Sarah told her, “Child, it’s black. Black is the most important color for an artist. You see? Without black there is no depth. Without black everything appears flat. But mix black with any color and you can paint an object so real you want to reach out and touch it.” The lyrics to one of my favorite songs say,

So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He’s brought me through
’cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn’t know that He could solve them
I wouldn’t know what faith in His Word could do

This year has been the hardest of my life, but it’s brought depth and meaning like I’ve never had before. I’m starting to build something new and this time it won’t be a frivolous quest for fame and fortune. I want what I do next to be a tool than generates resources to help hurting broken people. It will be just as shiny, happy and fun as GeekBrief.TV, but it will have a deeper purpose.

This last week I was in the home of a dear friend, Pastor Randy McCain. He preached the funeral of Tammy Faye Bakker. There were two things I remember Tammy Faye saying over and over again.

1. You can make it!
2. God loves you! He really, really does!

I have a lot to do! My goal is to build an amazing new media production company that entertains, inspires, funds charity and maybe even changes the world a little bit.

Stay tunned…

Last night the Tony Awards were on TV. I love live tweeting during award shows, but it’s inconsistant with the personal brand I need to build on Twitter. At the same time, it’s part of who I am, and I’ve gotten to interact with some really fun people, especially during the Oscars.

I was having a conversation with one of the coolest people on the planet and I had a thought I liked so much I tweeted it: “Broken people look for kindness wherever it’s available and share it whenever it’s possible.” @talasyn on twitter replied with two tweets: “I’ll have to disagree. Some broken people do. Other broken people only see the ugly in people. Those are the self-absorbed bkn” and “..cont… And pride is the wedge between broken and surrendered… Stupid pride. I hate you.”

Given my sensitivity, I assumed I had offended this guy. Since I’m leaning into pain, I DM’d him and asked him to email me. I told him I think I can learn from him, and if he hates me, I want to understand why. He did email me and explained that he wasn’t saying he hated me. He was saying he hated his “stupid pride.” He also said some very nice things about me being open about my struggle.

I could have assumed I made this guy mad for whatever reason, and now he hates me. I could have unfollowed him. Instead I asked him, and as a result, I found someone I’ll probably end up having a great meal with one day where we talk about life and God and who knows what else.

140 characters can get us in trouble online, but we don’t have to stay there. People are deep, and I’m learning to explore the depths rather than running away in offense. I can’t always do it. I won’t always do it, but I want to try.

The part of who I am that I want and need to change the most is my need to be comfortable. Being comfortable in every way possible has been my number one priority in every situation since I was a kid. That need for comfort results in other things I’d like to change.

The very last thing that seems natural for me to do, is sell everything that isn’t essential and go live in a different country for a year. I’m thinking that is exactly what I SHOULD do. We have an offer on our house that will hopefully result in a sale by the end of this month. We have Dave Ramsey inspired emergency funds, and I have a novel that is about 70% finished. What if I sold everything but my MacBook Pro, iPad and 5D Mark II and traveled somewhere exotic to learn a new language and culture? What if I did the thing I fear most and risk comfort in exchange for adventure? The desire to do a Big Trip is still in my soul, so why not make that my next thing in life?

I’m throwing this out to the Internet to ask for advice. Have you done something like this in your life? How did it improve the person you are today? What are some things I would need to consider? What are some places I should consider (inexpensive so I can stay at least a year)? I don’t want to roam, I want an immersive adventure. What would I do with my dogs?!?!?!?

I don’t know if I can stretch this far, but it’s what feels right. It gives Luria freedom to not worry about me competing with what she does next. It gives me an opportunity to finish the novel, and I don’t think I will ever finish it without setting time aside to focus on it. This would cause me to grow in a way, I can’t fully anticipate until it happens.

If you’ve done something like this, I’d love to hear about it. If you know someone whose done something like this, I’d love to hear their story. If you’re uncomfortable leaving a comment, email me: neal [at] geekbrief dot com.

The distiller explained the process of turning water into a spirit. All kinds of ingredients are mixed into the water to add flavor (when it’s gin) and to innitiate fermentation. Through heat, purity is separated from impurity and alcohol is produced. Distillation is also used to purify crude oil and water.

I like distillation as a metaphor for personal growth in the midst of a trial. I’m going through the single most awful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, but pain isn’t without gain. I’ve grown as a person though out this process in a ways I never would have with only good things happening to me. Romans 5:3-4 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character…”

My life, in just about every way I can think of is at a crossroads. I have dreams and goals to create something bigger and better than what we accomplished with GeekBrief.TV. I’ll need to find good people to work with, but first I need to take some time to go through this personal distillation process where everything that isn’t loving and caring in my life gets burned away. Another part of the personal distillation process has been to work toward the core reason I failed as a husband. That process has involved counseling, group therapy and study.

Pain in life gives us an opportunity and maybe even the responsibility to grow. It’s my mission to walk through this process and have people, even people who may not like me, say “Neal is a better person than he used to be.” The pastor at my church says when we are children, life is all about what we can get, “Give me, give me, give me.” With maturity, we stop just asking “What can I get?” and start asking “What can I give?” That second question is the one I want to spend the rest of my life answering.

I hope my story also reminds people to take care of their marriages. If it’s not working, get to work on it! Go to counseling. Go to church. Talk about it. Date your spouse. Look into each other’s eyes like you used too when you were falling in love. Don’t let your marriage die without working hard to heal it. Even though the growth that comes from the pain is good, you can always choose to grow when things aren’t so bad.

In the last year, two men in new media announced their marriages were ending. I’ve admired the work of both men and the marriages of both men. When they each announced their divorces, I was deeply saddened for days. I didn’t understand the sadness. I know them both a little bit on a professional level, but not very well on a personal level so the depth of my sadness was unusual. Looking back, I think I probably had a sense that my marriage wasn’t making it either.

There is no way I could have ever guessed how painful the divorce process is. Friends help in amazing ways, but unless they’ve experienced the emotional trauma of divorce they can only help so much. They try their hardest and you’ll appreciate the effort, but I’ve found it really helpful to find people going through the same thing.

At first, I attended something called RE|ENGAGE at Watermark Church in Dallas. It’s a dynamic, ongoing Wednesday night ministry designed to strengthen and heal marriages. One of the most unique things about RE|ENGAGE is its group sessions. There are couples groups, like you’d expect, but there are also groups for spouses who are there to work on their marriage without their partner. There are men’s groups and women’s groups. There is something powerful about hearing a person you don’t know, express in words the exact feelings you’re experiencing. The realization that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do is the beginning of healing. At least it has been for me.

I still believe God wants to heal marriages, but I’ve lost faith that He’ll heal mine before divorce is final. I’m switching from RE|ENGAGE to another support system called DivorceCare. DivorceCare is something that takes place in churches all over America. It’s a support group kind of thing where you walk through the pain with other people who are experiencing it too.

I’m not really in a position to hand out advice to anyone, so this is really just about what’s working for me. Friends have been amazing. Friends have also been frustrating when they haven’t understood, but mostly they’ve been amazing. Ultimately though, it’s been very important to talk to people who personally know from experience what this is like. That’s what I encourage anyone going through this to do.

It turns out we’re never quite as unique as we think we are and that’s a very beautiful thing.