Brave
Yesterday I wrote a post about a project that kept me busy most of 2011. I lost money working on it but I got something out of it that money can’t buy … courage.
This recital is a big deal in my hometown. The Municipal Auditorium has about 2500 seats that have butts in all of them for all three shows. Before the recital, I shot rehearsals at the dance studio so I could produce segments to play during set and costume changes. Seeing my work projected on a big screen and getting to hear an audience laugh and clap as they watched was really cool!
Each year graduating seniors get to do solos. We produced interview segments where each senior talked about her solo and we played those to introduce each one. Three of the senior dancers have lost a parent in a tragic way. Dance became a way for them to deal with the pain and work through it. I was dealing with divorce pain and their stories inspired me to not give up. One girl lost her mom to cancer just last year. This dance called Brave. She dedicated it to her mom.
What I Did on my Summer (NOT) Vacation
On January 15, 2010, the woman I married almost twelve years ago left home and my world turned upside down. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but it’s turning out to be the best. No doubt I loved her. I poured every bit of my talent and energy into creating an uncommon, life and career for her. It took six years to get that right, but once I did, she took it and ran with it.
The first part of the year, I worked on trying to save my marriage. I went to counseling, support groups, read books, watched videos. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done to fix it because I didn’t believe in divorce or giving up. I don’t think there was anything I could have done to change her heart, mind or focus. When fixing it didn’t change anything, I started working on me.
I grew up in church and for me nothing feels like home like when I’m in church. I was a close-minded fundamentalist who loved the story of Jesus. As a teenager, I fell in love with the charismatic experience of worship. There is a mystical thing that happens in a charismatic church as the music starts on a high and transitions into a tender, peaceful rest. I wanted to grow up to lead worship because I loved those feelings I got in church.
After I was married, that girl seemed perfect. I couldn’t name a sin she was guilty of, and if she was sin-free, what did I really need with a God I couldn’t see? We stopped going to church and I started worshiping her. I thought she was all I needed. I didn’t think I needed friends. I didn’t think I needed family and I didn’t think I needed God. I gave up on God and gave up worship
It wasn’t fair to her though. It might feel nice to be worshiped a little, but no human can stand to be worshiped with the intensity I worshiped her. When she couldn’t supply the spiritual and emotional needs I used to get from worshiping God … that joy unexplainable and peace that passes all understanding … I began to slowly fall apart. I broke and I wanted to die.
This Summer, I worked on healing. I reconnected with friends and family in beautiful ways. I went to Budapest, Vienna and Prague. I ate, prayed and wondered about the possibility of love. Friends and family sustained me. When I fell apart, they grabbed me and held me back together. I confessed my sins to them and they didn’t run away. They helped me heal. They saw me weak. They saw me cry. They saw me want to give up. The saw me through.
This year, I became a worshiper of God again. I’m not a fundamentalist any more and I can’t come anywhere near thinking you would get the same thing I get from faith, but I know it works for me. I feel like me again. I have joy and peace in the middle of the decimation of my hopes and dreams. My church has a thing called Freedom Ministries and it has been the most transformative experience of my life, on both cognitive and spiritual levels. It’s helped me with depression, fear of rejection, selfishness and I’m just getting started. Freedom classes are available online.
In her book, Mosaic
So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He’s brought me through
’cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn’t know that He could solve them
I wouldn’t know what faith in His Word could do
This year has been the hardest of my life, but it’s brought depth and meaning like I’ve never had before. I’m starting to build something new and this time it won’t be a frivolous quest for fame and fortune. I want what I do next to be a tool than generates resources to help hurting broken people. It will be just as shiny, happy and fun as GeekBrief.TV, but it will have a deeper purpose.
This last week I was in the home of a dear friend, Pastor Randy McCain. He preached the funeral of Tammy Faye Bakker. There were two things I remember Tammy Faye saying over and over again.
- You can make it!
- God loves you! He really, really does!
I have a lot to do! My goal is to build an amazing new media production company that entertains, inspires, funds charity and maybe even changes the world a little bit.
Stay tunned…
Divorce, Healing and Feeling Alone
In life we try to have empathy for people when they go through hard times. In my life, if I heard about someone loosing a loved one to cancer, I felt bad for them. I hated it for them, but ultimately I feel like I cannot begin to even get close to understanding what they were going through.
In the last year, two men in new media announced their marriages were ending. I’ve admired the work of both men and the marriages of both men. When they each announced their divorces, I was deeply saddened for days. I didn’t understand the sadness. I know them both a little bit on a professional level, but not very well on a personal level so the depth of my sadness was unusual. Looking back, I think I probably had a sense that my marriage wasn’t making it either.
There is no way I could have ever guessed how painful the divorce process is. Friends help in amazing ways, but unless they’ve experienced the emotional trauma of divorce they can only help so much. They try their hardest and you’ll appreciate the effort, but I’ve found it really helpful to find people going through the same thing.
At first, I attended something called RE|ENGAGE at Watermark Church in Dallas. It’s a dynamic, ongoing Wednesday night ministry designed to strengthen and heal marriages. One of the most unique things about RE|ENGAGE is its group sessions. There are couples groups, like you’d expect, but there are also groups for spouses who are there to work on their marriage without their partner. There are men’s groups and women’s groups. There is something powerful about hearing a person you don’t know, express in words the exact feelings you’re experiencing. The realization that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do is the beginning of healing. At least it has been for me.
I still believe God wants to heal marriages, but I’ve lost faith that He’ll heal mine before divorce is final. I’m switching from RE|ENGAGE to another support system called DivorceCare. DivorceCare is something that takes place in churches all over America. It’s a support group kind of thing where you walk through the pain with other people who are experiencing it too.
I’m not really in a position to hand out advice to anyone, so this is really just about what’s working for me. Friends have been amazing. Friends have also been frustrating when they haven’t understood, but mostly they’ve been amazing. Ultimately though, it’s been very important to talk to people who personally know from experience what this is like. That’s what I encourage anyone going through this to do.
It turns out we’re never quite as unique as we think we are and that’s a very beautiful thing.
Read MoreCali Lewis and Neal Campbell Speaking at Gnomedex
This video isn’t in HD so it’s more fun to listen than to watch, but it’s our speech at Gnomedex in 2007. We kind of tell our New Media story and encourage anyone with an idea to “just start.”
Overcoming Huge Obstacles
Our littlest Chihuahua, Zoe can do more than she thinks she can. She’s about six inches tall, but when she stretches out her body, she’s about two feet long. To make it easier for our two little dogs to get on and off our bed, we built two stairs out of two six-inch thick cushions. That gets our dogs six-inches from the top of the mattress. Sitting up on the bed, it looks like we created an easy journey from the hard wood floor to the cushy comforter on the bed.
From Zoe’s perspective, it doesn’t look so easy. That first step is as tall as she is. She can barely see the top and sometimes she’ll stand on the floor looking at that first step and start to doubt herself. Once she starts to doubt herself, she’ll start to whine. It’s kind of like praying. She’s crying out for outside help to overcome a problem that just seems way to big for her.
There are times when we’ll reach down and pull her up to cuddle, but more often we don’t. We know she can make it. We’ve seen her do it hundreds of times, and the path we created for her was all about making her journey easier. She just can’t see the big picture. All she sees is that big stair and she’s worried about it. She seems to have forgotten all those other times she jumped up without hesitation. I know she just has to stretch herself and put some energy into it and after a little whining, she eventually comes to the same conclusion.
Throughout my life, I’ve seen social situations as a huge obstacle. Connecting with people you want to know better seems so easy for other people, but for me? I really have to stretch myself and put some energy into to it. When I’m focused on how hard it seems, it’s easy to forget all the times in the past when I did what was required and it worked out great. I assume Zoe thinks she’s going to miss if she tries to take that jump, but the thing she fears almost never happens. Same thing with me in social situations. The things I fear almost never happen, and even when they do I survive and I end up a little smarter than before.
I wonder how many times in life we end up not doing something that could turn out great, just because that first step is all we’re looking at and it seems way too big and way too scary. In reality the path is not the big, old, bad challenge we fear. The pathway has probably been setup for us in a way that makes it possible for us to win. All we have to do is stretch ourselves and put some energy into it. I learned that from a Chihuahua!
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